How Many Children Do You Have?

Amy George

By Amy George

“How many children do you have?”

What a simple question. A mother can answer that without blinking. There’s nothing hard about that question.

Unless you have lost a child.

I always struggle with how to answer that question. You see, I am the mother of three children: Melissa, Ann Catherine and Lily Baker. But, it’s not that simple. My daughter Melissa died shortly after birth. Sometimes I worry that if I tell someone I have children, but one of my children died, it will make them uncomfortable. When I stranger asks you that question, do they really want to know something so intimate? Aren’t they just making polite conversation?

Death makes people uncomfortable. Whenever I tell someone that I had twins, but one of my daughters died, they immediately get a pained look on their face and say “Oh, I’m sorry.” There’s nothing wrong with that. I would do the same thing. The problem is it just creates such a strange situation that sometimes I decide to skip those details. I’ll say I only have two children, not because I’m acting as if Melissa never existed, but because my heart just can’t go there.

That response often makes me feel guilty. When I answer that way, am I being disrespectful of Melissa’s memory? If I tell people I have two children, does it discredit her life? Her life – and death – is such a huge part of me. How can I not tell people about her? But if I do, it never seems enough to just say that I have a third daughter who passed away. I want to tell them that she was this beautiful little girl with a head full of jet black hair and the most perfect little mouth. I want to tell them how badly her daddy and I wanted her. I want to tell them how hard she fought to live and how brave she was in the face of so much adversity. I want to tell them that her short life made me a better person, a better wife, a better mother. I want to tell them that the length of a person’s life doesn’t determine their worth. It’s about legacy, not longevity.

Recently at a get-together with a group of women, we were asked to share a little something about ourselves. The usual: your name, how many kids you have, etc. As the women started sharing, I thought about it. What would I say? Will I open that painful wound or will I just talk about Ann Catherine and Lily? I chose the first option and told them that I was the mother of three children, one of whom was in Heaven. When I was finished, I was glad I said it, but I still wondered: did I make anyone uncomfortable by telling my story?

I know I’m not alone when it comes to facing this dilemma. I have talked to other mothers who have lost children, and they have agreed that what should be the easiest question in the world is much tougher for those of us who have lost children.

I have realized that there’s no right or wrong answer. I may not mention Melissa when a stranger on an airplane casually asks, “How many children do you have?” Is it worth reliving the pain for someone you’ll never see again? When meeting people who I may become close to (like the women’s group I told you about) I will probably choose to share that I have three daughters. And down the line, I hope I can tell them more about this precious little angel. My daughter. This amazing, courageous human being who is no longer here, but forever in my heart. She is part of my life.

And I can’t deny that.

Amy George is a former news anchor for WHNT NewsChannel 19. She and her husband, Chris, founded the Melissa George Neonatal Memorial Fund in memory of their daughter, Melissa Suzanne. The fund raises money for the Neonatal ICU at Huntsville Hospital for Women & Children. They have two other daughters: Ann Catherine (3) and Lily Baker (2). Follow her blog.