Coping with Criticism about Breastfeeding

By Suzanne Rickman

“When are you going to quit nursing?”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to use formula?”
“Cover yourself up!”
“You’re just coddling him, he’s never going to be able to fall asleep without you.”

Such comments can be harmful to your self-esteem as a mother, and they are certainly inappropriate when said in the presence of your child. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could nurture our children without having to worry about criticism from other people? Sadly, most nursing relationships end before their time because of two factors: outside pressure to wean and unsolicited advice.
It is natural to care about what other people think, especially when the critic is a close relative, friend, or health care professional. Your method of dealing with criticism depends on your own personality, your critic’s personality, and your relationship with your critic.

Dealing With The Intellectual

You can inform a scientific-minded critic by referring to The American Academy of Pediatrics’ recommendation to breastfeed exclusively for six months and to continue for at least twelve months with complementary foods. They recommend that mothers continue breastfeeding as long as mutually desired by mother and baby. The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for at least two years, then as long as mutually desired. Both cite the widespread use of formula as a cause of health problems in infants. La Leche League International is the world’s foremost authority on breastfeeding and keeps the most up-to-date information at their website.

Using a confident tone of voice, say, “I’m glad that you care about the baby. I’ve researched breastfeeding and would be glad to share what I have learned with you.” Show your critic printed copies of the benefits of breastfeeding and the risks of formula feeding from credible sources.

Handling The Helpful Friend

Someone comes over to your house to visit after you’ve had your baby. You are sleep-deprived and overwhelmed. The house is a mess. Your guest offers, “Why don’t I feed Bobby a bottle of formula so you get some rest?”

If you intend to exclusively breastfeed, this offer is not going to help you. You risk engorgement, and your milk supply will dwindle if you skip feeds. A supply problem will stress you out even more and cause you to have to work hard to get it back up again. Thank them for the offer and politely decline.

State what you really need help with. Ask your friend to let you take a nap with your baby while she does housework. Your guest could get a list together and pick up your groceries. Vacuum your house while wearing your baby in a sling. Perhaps she could even take your older child to and from school.

Responding to The Health Care Professional

Always obtain a second opinion when a health care professional advises you to wean, no matter what the reason. Ask if there are alternate medications that you can take to treat your illness. Even though a medication may be contraindicated, you may pump and dump, then resume breastfeeding after it’s out of your system. If your child is hospitalized, continuing to breastfeed can help your frightened child, and you will also maintain your milk supply.

If a dentist advises you to quit nursing because of early childhood dental caries, then it may be time to find a new pediatric dentist who is knowledgeable about the benefits of breastfeeding to dental health. Brian Palmer, DDS found that breast milk actually decreases the level of acid in the mouth and makes the oral environment inhospitable for bacteria to grow.

If nursing caused dental caries, all mammals would have rotten teeth. In Brian Palmer’s anthropological analysis of fossilized human dental imprints, only in modern humans does dental caries become an issue. Palmer concluded, “It would be evolutionary suicide for human milk to cause decay.”
When criticism does come calling, you have a variety of tools at your disposal to help deflect it.

Use Friendly Humor or Sarcasm

If your witty father says, “How long are you going to keep that up?” you can respond, “Definitely until he goes off to college.” Or, “At least for the next five minutes.”

If someone expresses shock, “You’re still nursing?” You can quip, “No, I actually weaned years ago. But Bobby still is!” Or, “Gosh, I must be doing something terrible. Look at how miserable he is!” With that, your critic should notice how happy and healthy your child is, and back off.

Be Gentle Not Defensive

Many people have never seen breastfeeding, and when they encounter a nursing situation for the first time may react with initial shock. However, they might also have a genuine desire to learn. If you have encountered disapproval in the past, you may react defensively to this curiosity, not realizing that you have an opportunity to spread the joy of nursing.

Be Open To Discussion

If someone says, “Shouldn’t Bobby have weaned by now?” you could say, “My husband and I have discussed weaning, and devised a plan. We’ve eliminated his late morning feeding, since he enjoys his morning snack so much. Bobby and I still enjoy nursing so it is our decision to continue until we wish to stop completely.”

As the discussion continues, you can say, “You’ve made some interesting points. I have a lot to think about. For now, let’s agree to disagree.” Or, “I’m glad that weaning your baby at six months worked out well for your family. However, every baby is different. Let’s talk about something else now.”
By remaining open-minded, you’ll show that you are interested in the other person’s point of view, accept the way they raise their kids, and wish they would respect your choices, too.

End The Verbal Abuse!

If someone insists that nursing is obscene and continues to cross boundaries, be firm. “Just like I don’t like discussing politics or religion with certain people, it’s obvious that we shouldn’t talk about this topic. Breastfeeding is my personal decision. I’d never try to impose my viewpoints on you.”

You can leave the room with your baby, or your spouse can insist your critic go outside to look at the car or the new deck, leaving you to breastfeed in peace. Worst-case scenario? You cut your holiday at your in-laws’ short and go home! Next time, they will back off if they want to spend time with their grandchild.

A person who has always believed that babies are best fed with formula or is wary of physical closeness and intimacy is not going to accept breastfeeding. You are not going to be able to convince this person that you are raising your child right, Furthermore, it really is not your responsibility to do so.

Remind People About The Law

Legally, a woman in the United States has the right to breastfeed wherever she’s otherwise authorized to be. Many states have passed additional legislation protecting a woman’s right to breastfeed. Still, people think they can ban mothers and children from restaurants, swimming pool areas, public beaches, malls, and airports. Stand up for your rights! Some mothers carry around a copy of the legislation in their purse. Check out LLLI for the most current state-by-state legislation.

Avoid Criticism In The First Place

If you anticipate that you may enter a situation where the threat of criticism is high, practice your facial expressions and tone of voice. Get used to your nursing bra in front of a mirror; use one hand to open and close it. Wear modest nursing tops. Use a sling.

Remain confident, positive, and assertive without a high-pitched or aggressive tone. Sometimes the best thing to do is ignore disapproving glances, or simply smile and be proud of your healthy baby.

It is your right to feed your child and to keep him happy and safe. Surround yourself with people who accept breastfeeding. You may have to distance yourself from someone in your life because he or she ignores your pleas for tolerance and persistently criticizes your parenting choices. You might even find it isn’t such a huge loss after all.

Suzanne Rickman is a full-time mother, La Leche League Leader, and freelance writer from Chicago with a BA in Anthropology. She and her husband are raising their four-year-old and newborn sons in Tuscumbia, Alabama. You can reach her at her email.