Brave, Strong, and Free: A New World for Men of the 21st Century

By Dawn Rayburn

With so many choices how can parents decide what path to take once the children come? Will we both work? Will we hire a nanny or go with daycare? Will mom stay at home? Now a new choice has arrived: How about having dad stay at home as the primary caretaker? This new option is available for men of the 21st century. A set of trailblazers is opening the doors for new fathers, showing them choices that the fathers before them never had. What is it like for these men, and what can all of us learn from their experiences?

The initial role shift to primary caretaker and household manager seemed to occur more often than not due to circumstances; it wasn’t something anticipated. One father told me that he just didn’t think that he could have done it when he was ten years younger. However, in the process of learning about these men’s beliefs and attitudes, it became evident that the unexpected rewards and joys have them viewing their new jobs as a real treasure.

So what makes these modern day dads successful? They say two of the largest keys to success are time and communication. Like any job change it takes time to learn the “ropes” of this new multi-faceted job, and for many men learning these “ropes” sends them into some unfamiliar territory. This new job requires them to become proficient at multi-tasking, communication, patience, relationship balancing and intense emotional availability. In addition to the sheer magnitude of this task adjustment, these men also have to overcome the ideas and beliefs embedded for generations about their role in family life. “It helped me that the income was available so that I didn’t feel that I had to be the breadwinner,” said one dad.

Although these secure men aren’t defined by or acceptant of the limited beliefs and reactions of others; it can make things awkward and difficult at school functions, play dates, and lessons, as they are indeed the odd man out! It seems that the difficulty also comes in realizing that there are all kinds of parenting issues that are a commonality transcending gender. Sometimes the preconceived notions of other people really exaggerate the odd man out feelings! As one father told me, “Women have been reluctant to invite my kids on play dates because they are unsure about me. I think they wonder how it looks to hang out with a man all afternoon and even wonder what possible intentions I might have. It has really tested my faith; I’ve had to have strong faith through it all”. They say, however, that given about six months, strong spousal support and the willingness to be open and communicate about the endless change is all it takes.

These men found to their surprise that the joy of the child-ride far exceeded their expectations. The wonders of seeing the first steps, hearing the first words, watching as a moment of awakening occurs, and all the other many unexpected spontaneous moments of childhood occurring was more rewarding than they imagined. “I have learned more and had more joy than I could have ever imagined”, said one father.

However, they also told me that it was a job more difficult than any other they had taken on, which speaks volumes as these men had a range of career choices that spanned the very physically challenging to the academically tedious. So what would elicit such a statement of attributed difficulty by men such as these? They described a job that was a continual process with no definitive beginning or ending each day. It is a job with little recognition that seems in constant flux. After a full day with kids these dads just want to interact with an adult. One father said, “I have to be careful not to act like the stereotypical nagging wife because I just want to bombard her with stuff when she comes in the door.”

Another father noted that other people, guys especially, might in jest say, “you get to hang out and watch opera”. He added,“They don’t appreciate or realize how much really happens and what a full time job it is, especially if you do it well!” In this place of difficulty though, these men know without a doubt that they have grown as people because of their choice to care for their children. One father is now even pursuing a teaching degree because he says, “Being with the kids has helped me figure out who I really am; I think I knew, but not totally.”

These men have a unique perspective and would most like to share with all of us the unmistakable truths they have found.

• Keep communicating with each other, and don’t stop.
• Don’t make a snap decision about becoming the primary caretaker.
• Open your mind to change and be willing to adjust.
• Don’t view your choice as a role reversal but rather a job reversal.
• Be true to yourself and remember that it is not about what you do, but who you are.
• Appreciate what it takes to manage a family: it is a formidable task!
• Finally of utmost importance, find time to be a couple as well as parents.

These trailblazers teach us that the experience of being the primary caretaker transcends gender. They open the doors for the generations of young men behind them to be free - free to choose what is best for their families whatever that may be. We, at Valley Babies, would like to thank them for unlocking keys and opening doors for our children. We salute fathers in all walks for everything they do to make this world a better place for their children. Happy Father’s Day, Dad!